Thursday, June 6, 2013

A Big No-No: Forcing Your Man's Hand In Marriage

Spring is in the air and yes, our "mating" and "nesting" urges are in full swing. Is that too forward? Mating? Makes me giggle. Friends are getting engaged and married and some are even having children. When engagement, wedding, bachelorette, bridal, baby shower invites are constantly filling up our inboxes and mailboxes, we find that we are asking ourselves, where are we at in our own relationship?

Most would be rushing right to the aisle along with everyone because of this unseen force to be hitched. Why not right? You love him and he loves you, so why don't you get married? And in fact, if he loves you so much, why aren't you already married? For, like the good ol' proverb by Mrs. Jay-Z, 

                     "Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it."

This mantra and mind thinking is both detrimental to your relationship and unhealthy to your psyche. Let's go over a few reasons to NOT get engaged/married:

Wrong Reasons to get Engaged/Married:
1. "We've Been Dating Forever": Time does not mean that both parties are mentally, physically, emotionally ready for a marriage. And while marriage seems the correct step because of the length of time you've been together, there are several factors that need to be in place, such as complete trust, emotional independence, stability in work, etc. There are several factors that need to be met in order for a person to feel that being married is going to start without any problems.
2. "All Our Friends Are Getting Engaged and Married": Getting engaged/married for this reason is only focused on the "being engaged/married" and you lose the meaning of what getting married is about. Too focused on the title of engagement rather than the relationship.
3. "We're Getting Older": And from my dear Aaliyah, "Age aint nuthin but a number". You see couples getting married when they are 20 and when they are 80. It's not about the piece of paper that says you are married, it's about the relationship behind that. If it takes you 10-,20-, 50-years, that's what it takes. What is important is that you are with the one you love.
4. "We Want Kids In X Amount Of Years": In today's progressive age, you really don't need to be hitched to have kids. Marriage does not give the "okay" to have kids and vice versa. They are two separate events in your life leading to two different things. Wanting to have kids does not give the "okay" that you two are ready for marriage.

So, lets go back to the roots of why you are together.

Remember that marriage is not a reinforcement of your faithfulness and love. If you feel that faithfulness and love will be cemented because of marriage, then you have bigger issues to deal with than why isn't he asking you. The whole reason you want to get married in the first place is because you love your significant other so much. However, your feelings for them shouldn't change even the slightest whether you get married or not. Marriage is literally a piece of paper and a confirmation to the government. It is a government affair. What you should be focusing on is the love that you feel for your significant other and the memories you are creating together.

If you are curious, don't be afraid to talk to your significant other about why you guys aren't engaged yet. However, be ready for the truth and do not be angry about the truth. Having your significant other open up about their fears or hesitations requires an open line of communication and an unbiased ear. If they feel like you are going to explode and rant when they confess their truth, your significant other will not trust you with that information (which is not good for both parties as it creates its own set of frustrations for both of you). Maybe one of you is ready but the other isn't. Both parties have to be ready to enter this union. And it may not be about their feelings for you that is holding them back. It could be several other factors. 

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